I forget where I got this, but enjoy!

The following are provided by the Web-Miss, caught going through e-mails

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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
 
**Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
 
**This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
 
Dear Sir,
 
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
 
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
 
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
 
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. The n I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building
 
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
 
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain
 
At approximately the same time, howe ver, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
 
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
 
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
 
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
 
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
 
I hope this answers your inquiry 

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the   final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL :   Women are evil Don't mess with them  !!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a

"handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went

to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he  had any odd

jobs for her to do.

      "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

      The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were

in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,

"Does she  realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

       He responded,"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

      The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm just starting to believe all

those 'dumb blonde' jokes you always hear."

       A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

       "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

      "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

      Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

      "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

---------------------------------

New Language

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil ensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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DADDY'S TEN RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

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True Story:

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?  ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY....HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.  It's mid-winter...and of course, all of the lakes are frozen.  These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG....and of course, the new NAVIGATOR.  They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on....something for the decoys to float on.

Now, making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.  Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog:  A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it:  the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow; blink; start waving their arms; and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.  The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics; grabs the shotgun; and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot....hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.  Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused....and of course terrified...thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.  The dog takes off to find cover.......UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run.  The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end; he yelps; drops the dynamite under the truck; and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake...leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.  And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. .doing fine.  And you thought Rednecks lived in the South.

This is creepy!    
Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..






Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.






Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.





Think of

either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name





Almost
there........






Now
count out
t he letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.




Take the
hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.




Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.



Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?!
.





Of course not.......



Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
internet games!

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